Alone together

M. left yesterday. It was hard to leave her at the airport. Change makes all of us uneasy, I think.

Since the airport is so close to my parents house, we spent a relaxing afternoon visiting.

So far so good.

And then I woke up today, feeling somewhat empty, routine having flown out of the country with M's plane. What would the day be like?

Shower. Sit. Read email. Dress. Fold laundry. These quiet moments help me gather strength and courage to be MOM all day.

And what a beautiful day it turned out to be.

We had leftover pancakes and Chinese dumplings for breakfast. Something new and silly. Except R, who asked for "Eggs Lox-edict" (the famous eggy dish with Hollandaise sauce over the top, but with lox in place of ham).

Pause. Start to find excuses. Breathe. Why not? What else do I have to do today? Too frequently, the answer is the dishes, the laundry, finding a nanny, work, errands, cleaning my room, the laundry, the dishes, changing a diaper, reading my email, trying to make plans for ANOTHER time, instead of being HERE at THIS time.

Okay. No English muffins? No problem. We'll use a bagel. Who wants to help make the Hollandaise? All of you? Okay, I love having your help.

In between making the sauce the boys played hide and seek, and then a new version of superheros-and-villains based on a movie they watched last night and their current favorite show. I love to hear them laugh together. I got out the long disused video camera.

After breakfast we played some old favorite computer and video games. V & I cut out a memory game and played. We found some cool weather clothes for V from the hand-me-down pile in the closet. We moved some warm weather clothes to the hand-me-down pile on top of his dresser. We washed diapers. We ran the dishwasher. We listened to music and danced. We juggled stuffed animals. We caught grapes in our mouths. (I never knew I could do that!) We ate leftover Chinese food for lunch.

Thoughts start creeping into my head. I should get out of the house. I should do some virtual grocery shopping.

R started coloring some Halloween wood cutouts he picked out at the store. E & V want some too. Ok, we'll go to the store and pick some up. We picked up more monster (alien) cutouts and other fun things, too. (I love craft stores.)

We colored. We had ice cream for a snack. We looked at the letters Daddy left for the boys - little projects to engage them while he is gone.

The boys go out to the back yard to play. Ok, finally, I'll get a chance to write that blog post, and maybe order some groceries, and oh yeah, I have that newsletter to work on ...

Two sentences into this post, I hear crying in the back yard.

Ok. I get it. When I am with the boys, I need to be WITH the boys. Then we have a good day.

Now ... I can write now because J is reading with the boys. I don't need to be with them if someone else is with them. It's okay for them to have fun with Dad, too.

And, it is okay for them to have fun with an au pair, or nanny when I attend to other needs. I have a hard time accepting that I put other needs ahead of theirs, but that is why I am looking for the right person to take care of their needs while I take care of mine.